Apology
by Vinyaya
Summary: Snape apologises to Lily after her death, and promises to keep Harry safe. Another oneshot! Please reveiw!


APOLOGY

Disclaimer: If they were mine, quite a lot of people wouldnt have died.

I'll do it for you.

I don't want to, but I will.

I don't have to, but I will.

I don't quite understand why it's something I'll do. And yet I know the reason. You never let me. You never did. I wanted to be the one you turned to, the one you looked for, the one you knew you needed, you could depend on. But you didn't let me.

It was all right, in the beginning. You were too strong, I told myself, to need anybody. Apart from a few words of comfort you wouldn't let _anybody _into your thoughts, your feelings, your fears. You didn't. You wouldn't allow me to tell you what you should do, like you used to before Hogwarts, before you grew into the strong, wild, brave woman that you became. You wouldn't listen like you used to. You didn't care like you used to. And I told myself that was who you were, I told myself it had nothing to do with me, that you were naturally independent and secretive.

And that was my undoing, wasn't it?

Because you let him. You let _him_. He didn't give up like I did, he didn't lie to himself, he didn't make an excuse out of his love for you. So you opened up for him, for that imbecile who used to ruffle his hair as if it made him so attractive, even the Giant Squid collapse with hormonal overload. And you held back, but fell for it, eventually, didn't you? You fell for his strategy.

I couldn't admit to myself that you loved him, but you did. I almost convinced myself that you'd let him down with a crash, and come back to me, and tell me I was right, but you didn't, you didn't, you didn't.

You married the oaf.

Why, Lily? Why wasn't I good enough? One little mistake, and you forget the friendship, the love of a lifetime? One error, and I lose you forever? I aposogised and I apologised, but the idiot had you in his clutches, and he wouldn't relinquish his grip, and he snatched you brutally away from me.

And now you're gone. All because of me and my unforgivable stupidity, you're dead, gone, over. I've lost you, and I've lost you forever. I hate myself, as I see myself embittered by fate, and time, and experience, and, worst of all, pain, pure, excruciating pain that can only be caused by unrequited love. Which, I know, cannot be used as an excuse for what I did.

But I did it because you left me.

With you I could have been a better person, with you, I was. But you left me, alone, unloved, finally by nobody, nobody at all, for you were the last person to have loved me. I understand now that there is a reason why only few liked me at all, I am, I agree, completely despicable. But I was less so with you, am more so without. I wove in and out of dark and light, like the love and hate that both so plagued and belaguered me, made my life hell, hades, impossible to live. My life was animated death, I was as dead as an inferius, after you left me, Lily. I did what all sad people without love to hold them up, without the understanding not to care about all things material, do. I looked for power, pretending it would get me what I wanted, to be cared about. Of course, after you died, I realised all I really wanted was for you to care about me. It wouldn't mean a thing to me what anybody else thought.

That's why I'm doing it. Even though he's the splitting image of that oaf husband of yours, he's my last chance of seeing your eyes look at me ever again. Although he plays Quidditch like a fanatic, just like that fool, he's my last chance to see the look that used to appear on your face when you were indignant. Maybe that's why I hand him all those detentions. I don't like to see him smile, his smile is just as imbecilic as you'r idiot husband's.

But I will make sure he's safe, above all because that is what you would have wanted.

I'm still sorry, Lily, as sorry as I was that day outside your common room. Things could have been different, if I'd not shown that I can be just as brainless as your husband. Although, maybe they wouldn't. They told me you loved him, that you'd do anything for him, like I'd do for you. It still kills me, because I understand the feeling, but you felt it for another.

I'll do it anyway.

I still love you.

I always did. I always will. I suppose you knew that. I hope you did.

A/N: I swear to you, I love James. This is just Snape talking. Also, I'm not always like this, I don't know why my fics are all being so weird and angsty. I'm usually really humorous. I'll work hard for one of those next time. Maybe it's just a phase thing. Or maybe coz I was playing the Shins all though writing this, and they get me all thoughtful. Well. Cheers!


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